GUYSPEAK: What Men Really Mean

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"I'm going fishing." -- Really means ... I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

"Let's take your car." -- Really means ... Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.

"Woman driver." -- Really means ... Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." -- Really means ... As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.

"It's a guy thing." -- Really means ... There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

"Can I help with dinner?" -- Really means ... Why isn't it already on the table?

"Uh huh", "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." -- Really means ... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." -- Really means ... It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating.

"Have you lost weight?" -- Really means ... I've just spent our last $50 on a cordless drill.

"My wife doesn't understand me." -- Really means ... She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.

"It would take too long to explain." -- Really means ... I have no idea how it works.

"I'm getting more exercise lately." -- Really means ... The batteries in the remote are dead.

"I got a lot done." -- Really means ... I found Waldo in almost every picture.

"We're going to be late." -- Really means ... Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.

"Hey, I've read all the classics." -- Really means ... I've been subscribing to Playboy for decades.

"You cook just like my mother used to." -- Really means ... She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind" -- Really means ... I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." -- Really means ... I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

"That's interesting, dear." -- Really means ... Are you still talking?

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." -- Really means ... I forgot our anniversary again.

"You expect too much of me." -- Really means ... You want me to stay awake.

"It's a really good movie." -- Really means ... It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and loose women.

"That's women's work." -- Really means ... It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

"Go ask your mother." -- Really means ... I am incapable of making a decision.

"You know how bad my memory is." -- Really means ... I remember the theme song to "F Troop" , the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -- Really means ... The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

"Football is a man's game." -- Really means ... Women are generally too smart to play it.

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -- Really means ... I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I'll admit I'm hurt.

"I do help around the house." -- Really means ... I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." -- Really means ... And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

"I can't find it." -- Really means ... It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.

"What did I do this time?" -- Really means ... What did you catch me at?

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" -- Really means ... You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.

"She's one of those rabid feminists." -- Really means ... She refused to make my coffee.

"But I hate to go shopping." -- Really means ... Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." -- Really means ... You may actually get it to start.

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." -- Really means ... I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth-breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.

"I heard you." -- Really means ... I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

"You know I could never love anyone else." -- Really means ... I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

"You look terrific." -- Really means ... Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." -- Really means ... It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.

"I missed you." -- Really means ... I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." -- Really means ... No one will ever see us alive again.

"We share the housework." -- Really means ... I make the messes, she cleans them up.

"This relationship is getting too serious." -- Really means ... I like you more than my truck.

"I recycle." -- Really means ... We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." -- Really means ... Oh, woman, what have you done to yourself?

"It sure snowed last night." -- Really means ... I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.

"It's good beer" -- Really means ... It was on sale.

"I don't need to read the instructions." -- Really means ... I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." -- Really means ... If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one.

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." -- Really means ... Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window.

"I broke up with her." -- Really means ... She dumped me.

"Will you marry me?" -- Really means... Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.

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