Jokes and One-Liners, Part IV

I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.
I love deadlines.
I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:
Step 1: take a deep breath
Step 2: count to 10.
Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't just quit my job.
I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Am I getting smart with you?....How would you know?
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
I loathe people who keep dogs.
They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows ...
and a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream!
Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses ...
and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.
Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek.
Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:
the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
Into every life some rain must fall.
Usually when your car windows are down.
Ah, the thrill of modern dance!
The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of poetic motion,
the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing bikini brief ...
How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question.
I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley.
Just remember ...
You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
I love playing cards with children.
They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.
I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kinda foot disease,
I don't wanna know 'em!
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
A man's best friend is his dog.
That's assuming you want a friend
who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
If they lined up all the men in the world ...
it would be one goofy line.
Winning isn't everything.
Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it.
That's everything!
Old men are like buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.
I don't know about art,
but I know what makes me say,
"$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"
People who live in glass houses shouldn't
cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.
A rose by any other name would
stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood.
Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown,
and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Somewhere, over the rainbow ...
that's where the airline will find my luggage.
The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult
that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
It's a small world.
So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land.
This land is my land.
So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster:
when it's good you don't want to get off,
and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

Jokes, Part III Sunny's Fun Stuff Page Jokes, Part V

SCHOOL | FUN | SCIENCE | WEB | TRAVELS | GOD | INDEX |

Questions? Comments? -- Fill out this convenient comment form or just email me:

© Sunny Snaith -- sunshine@techie.com
Snail Mail: Post Office Box 503, Decatur, GA 30031-0503
http://www.geocities.com/ssnaith.geo/funstuff/jokes04.html
Last revision: January 29, 2000
Sunny's Awesome Homepage: CREDITS,
with acknowledgements for companies like GeoCities and HoTMaiL.

(Since Jan 16, 1998)

</BODY> </HTML>