Jokes and One-Liners, Part VI

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you.
He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down
I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy,
and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational.
The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor;
which is probably more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you.
In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you,
you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children,
imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Jokes, Part V Sunny's Fun Stuff Page Jokes, Part VII

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