"If you ever see me getting beaten by the
police, put down the video camera and come help
me."
-- Bobcat Goldthwait

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell.
Maybe hell is just having to listen to our
grandparents breathe through their noses when
they're eating sandwiches."
-- Jim Carrey

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When
I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no
matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three."
-- Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full
effect of alphabet soup?"
-- John Mendoza

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time
job, and we should treat it like one. If your
boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should
be severance pay and before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."
-- Bob Ettinger

"I had a linguistics professor who said that
it's man's ability to use language that makes
him the dominant species on the planet.  That
may be. But I think there's one other thing that
separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners."
-- Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you
walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their
lives."
-- Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of
every four Americans is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
-- Rita Mae Brown

"Now they show you how detergents take out
bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem.  Maybe you should get rid of the body
before you do the wash."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey:
Apparently three out of four people make up 75
percent of the population."
-- David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he
owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
-- Jay Leno

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed
at my suede jacket.  'You know a cow was
murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I
replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know
there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill
you too.' "
-- Jake Johansen

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should
have been more specific."
-- Lily Tomlin

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize,
Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow learner."
-- Lynda Montgomery

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching
us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez

"And always remember the last words of my
grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'
-- Emo Phillips